Friends, the time has come to hand out this year’s Fringie© Awards. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, but JFD, in this short period after the FFFF resurrection how can we have Fringies©?
The answer, my ever slow human Friends, is that first, you had quite a bit of nutsy goings on since the second week of November including Joe Felz’ Wild Ride, Danny Hughes’ obstruction of justice, the election recap, and some fun with your downtown vodka, vomit an vehicular mayhem culture – a culture whose tentacles reach deep into City Hall and has repercussions as far away as Glenwood Avenue. Second, you deserve the annual abuse of the Fringies©, because after all, the culture of arrogant secrecy, of complaisance, of mismanagement can be laid at the doorstep of the electorate. And that’s you, lowly humans.
And so the Awards Committee sat in deliberation. And by deliberation I mean ingestion of substantial amounts of peyote, cough syrup and Mountain Dew – the elixir of Award Committees everywhere. They toiled away far into the evening hours to entertain and enlighten you. Here is what they belched up.
Rookie of the Year. Although the Committee discussed the merit of awarding this Fringie© to a non-human, it was trenchantly observed that many non-humans have indeed won Fringies© in the past. And by non-human in 2016 I mean the late, lamented Sappy McTree, cut down at the beginning of a promising life by none other than our former City Manager, Joe Felz in the wee hours of November 9th, 2016. Both are now departed. Felz has been spotted around town trying to peddle whatever influence he thinks he has left, while poor Sappy has been run through the chipper at the City’s corporate yard and is now ground cover at Byerrum Park. RIP, Sappy.
Worst Politician of the Year. The very name of the category begs the question as to whether such a thing as a good politician exists. However we leave that questions for greater minds to ponder as we award the Fringie© to the most deluded, self-important, boob anybody has ever seen in these parts – Irvine’s own Sukhee Kang. True, Fullerton’s Larry Bennett offered up one of the lamest candidacies imaginable, but we didn’t have to imagine anything more: for here before our very eyes was the very real spectacle of Sukhee Kang, self-anointed carpetbagger with the dismal record in Irvine, who moved to Fullerton just to run for office, and who bought a McMansion on a golf course to show how much he had in common with his would-be constituents. The Committee was again, unanimous.
Best Most Outrageous Cover Up. Even though there were only two nominees in the category, the Committee spent hours debating the merits of each. There was much disturbance, confusion and argumentation, and the Committee finally came to blows. In the end there was a split decision, the majority believing that even though the cover-up of Joe Felz’s Chaotic Wild Ride certainly constitutes an abuse of power and privilege, the NOCCCD cover up of Dino Skokos’ felonious and unprovoked assault on a student not only represented the usual arrogance of bureaucratic stonewalling, it was actually performed in the full light of the existing video that had been viewed by thousands and thousand of people.
Best/Worst Image. One of our Committee members actually felt that Joe Felz has endured enough ridicule for his careening caper and subsequent departure. This individual was severely beaten about the head and shoulders and sent out into the night. Nevertheless the image of Gigglin’ Joe hoisting a glass of cheap chardonnay never had a chance. Instead, the image of my former mistress, Jan Flory rendered into a completely believable gorgon, positively captivated the Committee. And by captivated I mean like watching a train wreck. And so the Fringie© goes to Medusa Flory.
And finally, The Ghost of Fullerton Past. All of the nominees were eminently qualified to take the brass ring. And by brass ring I mean recognition of past horrors inflicted upon the residents of Fullerton, and new contributions, too. In the end the Committee chose the inevitable: The Three Bald Tires, collectively recalled four years ago, who believe, somehow, that they are still wielders of influence. They are not. The worst aspect was them bringing along their spouses to share in one final electoral humiliation – pimping Lost Cause Larry Bennett’s political career.
And there you have it Friends the 2016 Fringies©. Now please excuse me while I tend to my nether parts.