Dear Readers, we have just received a communication from our old Friend – 1974 Troy High School exchange student and Papuan Highlands tribe Headman, B’rni “Barney” Wewak, who opines on the subject of political carpetbaggers. The text has been faithfully translated from the original Sepik dialect, as ever, by the FFFF Australo/Oceania Languages and Linguistics Department .
Greetings, dear friends in beautiful Southern California, where a beneficent sun shines warmly upon the succulent bosoms of your beautiful womenfolk and luscious orange fruit is plucked freely from every tree!
News has reached me that in your upcoming election for County Headman, the people of my wonderful adopted Fullerton have been plagued by a swarm of outsiders pretending to be your friends and who want to lead you. Do not be fooled for an instant! These people are like the flies on an open wound. Parasites! Interlopers! When they are done feasting on your harvest of taro and your reserve of tapir flesh, they will certainly move on, seeking other choice banquets and leaving your tribe starving and bereft.
And so I urge you to reject these foul miscreants and send them back to their own wretched tribes wherever those may be. Be always mindful to protect your honor and the honor of your ancestors who ever look down upon your deeds.
And so farewell, Friends. May the tree bark grubs fall effortlessly onto your banana leaf; may your women remain fertile and generous; and may the sweet mangoes be always plentiful.
Barney Wewak D. Lit, Cantab.