Former Troy High foreign exchange student and Friend of Fullerton B’rni (Barney) Wewak, current headman of a Papuan highlands tribe, recently sent us an e-mail. It seems that Barney not only follows the doings in our humble little burg, but he also keeps abreast of California politics. We reproduce his e-mail wherein he shares his thoughts on Proposition 1F. We have translated his e-mail from the original Papuan Sepik dialect so that you Fellow Friends may enjoy it, too.
Greetings Brothers and Sisters of Fullerton! May your deities grant you a bountiful red fruit crop and may the tree bark grubs fall easily onto your banana leaf!
I have been keeping myself informed about the perilous economic time of troubles in your beautiful land of California where the warm sun shines beneficently on the succulent bosoms of your generous women. I believe that the strange-speaking, abnormally shaped Headman of your noble country is attempting to lay a heavy burden on you in the form of Propositions 1A-1F. There is no need for me, once merely a humble visitor to your abundant land to tell you that 1A-1E are nothing but lies and deceit – the malicious whisperings of an evil spirit. But I must also tell you that 1F is full of danger for you, as well.
If I may be so bold, let me share with you a story about my tribe that I think will help you understand your danger.
Some time past our tribe began to experience a shortage of bright feathers. Our tribal council of elders began to borrow feathers from neighboring tribes, promising a percentage of our annual taro crop and sea shell reserve. We soon became heavily indebted to the neighboring tribes who began to lord their superiority over us. And then it became known that much of the bright feather shortage came from the elders themselves who had begun to create ever more elaborate headdresses!
Finally, the tribe had endured enough and decided that unless the elders produced a balanced feather plan they would be forced to yield up their annual Yam Stipend. The elders met and deliberated for many, many months. And it came to pass that in order to maintain their splendid plummage and keep their yam allotment, the elders raised each tribesman’s feather quota!
And so my Friends in Fullerton and California I earnestly admonish you to avoid the costly error of my people and do not fall into the tapir-trap that has ensnared my tribe.
In valediction I say to you – my fellow Friends of Fullerton : may the gods remain favorable to you and grant you gentle rain in the summer and confusion to your enemies.
B’rni (Barney) Wewak, D.Lit, Cantab.